I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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