Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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