Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
