So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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