I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
