I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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