I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
