My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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