Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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