I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
