Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
