Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
