i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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