I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
