Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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