Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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