Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
