I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
