I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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