I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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