so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
