Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
