I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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