Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
