If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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