I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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