HIV tests are more positive than that guy
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
