I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
