You smell like a Billy Joel song
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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