Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
