By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
