in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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