wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
