need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
