I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
