So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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