dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize