i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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