I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
