Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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