I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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