I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
