...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
