I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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