There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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