Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
