Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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