TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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