When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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