I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
