NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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