Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
