My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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